Full Disclosure

So listen, I've been toying with the idea of a baby blog for quite some time now-- actually, since I first got pregnant (vomiting! Hemorrhoids! Cankles! General hilarity!). But, having spent most of my pregnancy in a sleepy, paranoid fugue state, the opportunity passed, which was probably for the better, unless you would have been interested in reading several discourses on my extremely gripping fear that my baby would develop a flat spot on the back of her head, forcing her to wear one of those little corrective baby football helmets.

Then when Addie arrived, her head acceptably round and not in need of helmetry, I imagined myself dedicating my maternity leave to lovingly crafting a blog as delicately designed and intricate as she herself is. But instead I spent it, you know, soaking up vomit from various surfaces and stuff.

It's only now, nearly three months in, that I find that I've learned to sufficiently manage having a baby and a life-- and in this context, "a life" means "the forty-five minutes between when Addie falls asleep and I pass out wherever I happen to have crumpled to the ground"-- so it seems this blog's time has finally come. And not a moment too soon-- I think Facebook is preparing to ban me for being overly obsessed with my baby (Really? Facebook moans, another post about your baby's weight? We get it, you have a baby. Can't you comment on, like, Justin Bieber or something?), so I needed another outlet for my motherly pride.

But before we get too far in, I would like to offer the following warnings, in the spirit of full disclosure:

1. This blog will primarily be about Addie, the greatest baby in the world. By reading this blog, you offer your tacit agreement that Addie is, in fact, superior to all other babies. 
2. Sometimes other topics will appear on this blog that are only tangentially Addie-related. Try not to get too bummed out when this happens.
3. Addie knows that Mommy likes comments. When a blog post goes uncommented on, Addie cries bitter tears of sadness for Mommy's comment whore-ness.
4. Sometimes, this blog will get sappy, or sad, or fully cheesed up with The Wonder of Parenthood. When this happens, please just remember that I am a super awesome ninja warrior of coolness, even if I do sometimes cry tears of rapturous joy when Addie smiles at me. 
5. Sometimes this blog will discuss gross things, like my boobs (which are not in and of themselves gross, I guess, but I imagine that most of you generally will have to pour lemon juice directly into your eyes to burn out the image of my shirtlessness). It will discuss poop, and vomit. There may, at some future time, be reference to my lady parts. Be prepared to throw up in your mouth a little.
6. There will be swear words on this blog, although probably not as many as there were on my previous blog, since it is, after all, a blog about a baby. However, sometimes I just need to say the word "shit." It happens.
7. I can pretend all I want that updating this blog will be a daily ritual, but let's be real for a moment: sometimes, I have to schedule in time to poop on a given day, so this goal may be a tad unrealistic. I will, however, try to post as often as I can.
8. This isn't really a disclosure, but I just want to point out that the last three things I just said were at least somehow poop-related. See? It's already starting.

So, now you know. If you like poop, and babies, this blog is for you. And if you don't, well, obviously you only remain alive by nightly ingesting a paste made of angel tears and the ground-up bones of kittens.