Addie Alive!

When I was a little girl, it devastated my mom that I wasn't into baby dolls. I was more of a fashion doll girl-- Barbie, Lady Lovely Locks (yeah, I just trotted out Lady Lovely Locks, let the reminiscing begin!), anything that had hair that could be brushed, braided, and eventually cut into an extremely unflattering female gym teacher bob. But for some reason, baby dolls just never interested me-- why would I want a toy whose main purpose was to pee on me?

Now that Addie is here, I realize that, even with the fantastical advances in fake infant behavior (they poop now! THEY POOP!), perhaps the main reason baby dolls disinterested me is because they did not accurately depict the many varied actions an actual baby can possess. For instance, if there were an Addie baby doll (which there should be, and which I would market as Addie Alive!), it would be capable of all of the following real-life dolly actions:

• Viciously punching itself in the sides as if it were King Kong
• Super kung-fu hair hank death grip
• Intermittent release of noxious butt fumes
• Random heart-melting sighs of contentedness, especially after the release the aforementioned fumes
• Stealth sock removal skills
• Vicious head-butting action
• Laser-precision spit up aim (particularly when held overhead in a game of Superbaby)

Actually, when I put it that way, it sounds like Addie Alive! would make a much better action figure than a doll. Except for the heart-melting sighs. But I think the ass stink more than balances that out.

Addie Alive! may be hazardous to anyone under the age of three, pets that dare to wander into her range of motion, or people who enjoy having their clothes unsoiled by bodily fluids. Do not use Addie Alive! if you require more than six hours of sleep a night. All accessories, medical bills, foodstuffs and college tuition sold separately at outrageous prices. Allow nine months for delivery.