Life on fast forward

I was pregnant forever.

I mean, seriously, forever. I got pregnant in February 2009 with my son, John Henry, whom we lost at twenty weeks in June. Then two months later, I was pregnant again, this time with Addie. So other than those two months, I was pregnant for thirteen and a half months between that February and May, 2010. Essentially, I had the gestational period of an elephant.

And did those months ever drag by-- especially the ones with Addie, worried, waiting to see what would happen next. It was as if time had simply stopped moving. I did what I could to fill them-- mainly, I spent them obsessively comparing Addie to whatever sized fruit she was supposed to be at the time (a blueberry! A butternut squash!) and forcing Ben to look at pictures of the little Duggar baby, pointing out that if Addie came 14 weeks early, it wouldn't be that bad. The clock became my enemy-- is this thing out of batteries? Is it really only three? How could a day last so long?

But Addie managed to cling to the safety of her little bachelorette pad until 39 weeks, and ever since then, its as if the mouth of time's lazy river has opened up to one of those waterslides that shoot you straight down, no matter how desperately you try to slow yourself, jamming your feet against the sides. Wanting the ride to last a little longer.

I feel now like one of those comically sped-up Benny Hill skits, everyone running through open doors, chasing each other with rolling pins. Work is just two hour intervals between pumpings. Our time in the evenings with Addie is a blur of playtime, cereal, bath and bed. Our time after she falls asleep, a series of tasks-- lunches made, clothes picked out, items washed and put away, and then we collapse.

Addie will be six months old next week, and I find myself longing for that time when life felt so impossibly slow. I think about all the women around the world who conceived the day Addie was born-- they would be six months pregnant now, the finish line in sight. Has this time felt so slow for them? Could I get them to trade me?

She's so big now-- already outgrowing her nine-month clothes, more and more curious about the world around her. I know that there are so many more adventures ahead-- the walking, the talking, the dress-up time and the first day of school-- but I'm not ready to race there just yet.

Tonight, instead of hurrying through our bedtime routine, I decided to lay down with Addie while she fell asleep. She snuggled up next to me, her deep sigh reverberating against my chest, and for just a moment, I felt like things had paused.